War Torn

**Disclaimer: this is a really depressing entry. I am okay, but just recounting on a dream I recently had. It has been weighing down on my mind lately, as I would imagine it would for anyone who has experienced something similar.**

I woke up freezing. I had kicked my blankets away, my heart was racing, and I was sweating. It had been a while since I’d had a dream like that. They don’t come around often but when they do, they stay with me for days, sometimes weeks. It was the second night in my new place. I don’t believe that being in a new place is the reason for my bad dream especially since it wasn’t my first nightmare. When I think about it now I get a knot in my stomach. Never have I felt so close to an experience like this one; a dream so vivid that after it was over I was not sure if I would return there once I fell back asleep.

It is always hard to retell dreams because none of it ends up making sense. I remember my first Marine recruiter being there. I remember a few people from my unit. I remember being complacent with the fact that I was being sent overseas. I had received orders to go to war and was ready to go. I don’t quite remember if I was heading to Afghanistan or Iraq, but in my dream there was a lot desert. That doesn’t define one thing or the other, but I remember thinking about my fellowship, and wondering what had happened to it. I remember thinking of my DC home and wondering where all that had went. I remember wondering what happened to everything I had developed in the short time I had been in DC and why it was so easy for me to leave. Everything in between is a blur. I don’t remember much else but being under a tent with several other guys. All of a sudden a group of guys with turpins started shooting at us from around the corner. It seemed to be as close as ten feet away. I remember grabbing my gun, starting to shoot, and falling to the ground. I was shot, and remember thinking how I didn’t feel anything, but I was bleeding. I fell, closed my eyes, and that was it. I looked to see myself lying on the ground, lifeless. If you have never had a dream about dying, it is a scary experience. I’m sure I even cried in my sleep, especially after seeing my buddies, my family, and friends as if I was watching them mourn from above. It was weird watching people react to the news of my death. I remember thinking if this was real, but there was nothing to prove otherwise. I had become another casualty of the war overseas.

I looked up the interpretation of my dream. I was at war and I saw myself die. From Dream Dictionary:

To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually mean that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes do not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life. Perhaps your mind is preoccupied with someone who is terminally ill or dying.

Alternatively, you may be trying to get out of some obligation, responsibility or other situation.

To dream of a war, signifies disorder and chaos in your waking life. You are experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle which is tearing you up inside. Alternatively, the dream also indicates that you are being overly aggressive or that you are not being assertive enough. Perhaps you need to be prepared to put up a fight in some area of your life. On a more direct level, the dream may be reflection of current wars around the world.

I would definitely agree that I am dealing with some inner struggles. Then at the same time my brother just got assigned to his first unit in 29 Palms, set to deploy sometime at the end of this year. Everything with the Marine Corps is very current and constantly on my mind. And the more I consider my life after this fellowship the more I see the Marine Corps as being my number one and most appealing option as to what I want be doing next. The idea of going overseas is not something that is farfetched, but something that is very real, very near, and somewhat attractive.

The idea of dying is something that I feel like I have come to terms with. Again – a very real event that I have no control over, but something that everyone deals with at least one time in his or her life. If it’s to happen overseas or domestically I am very happy with the life I have lived. I have committed it and lived a life for others. While there is still a lot that I want to do and accomplish I have to be satisfied in knowing that I have not regretted any choice I have made with my life. I am scared to death over something that may not even be happening. But this dream made it even more accessible, which I would say isn’t a good thing for my thought process.

DC Exclusive

The days are going by quick. Work is busy and I am finally making some new friends around DC. As I’ve been telling everyone: the city is growing on me. I haven’t forgot about Texas and I still think about it everyday. Before I get called “Yankee” one more time, I just wanted to make that clear. ☺

One of the coolest things I have been able to experience is a run I went on last night. It has been a while since I have run so I had originally planned to run around the block a few times. I ran around the block, around Lincoln Park, and headed to the Capitol Building. I ran to the steps of the Capitol Building and then kept running. I went past the Library of Congress, past a few of the Smithsonian’s, all the way to the Washington Monument. Ran around some there, then turned around and came home. I mapped it out and it ended up being around eight miles, which isn’t bad for not having run in a while. As I was running, I just couldn’t help but be amazed in my surroundings. I mean, seriously. How blessed I am to be able to take a light jog around the neighborhood – Capitol Hill.

To those of you who take the time to read this, you have no idea how much it means to me. Writing is a way for me to vent, and truly express how I am feeling. Being out of college, it is so much easier to brainstorm and think and write all of those things down. This is something I really enjoy, and being able to share this with those of you who read and support me makes it that much better.

With more time, as thoughts come to mind I have begun to write them down more frequently. I am currently working on/thinking about several things. Here’s a sneak peak at some of the stuff I will be publishing in the near future:

“War Torn” – the retelling and analysis of a nightmare I had where I dreamed I was deployed overseas.

“What the Corps Doesn’t Prepare You For” – As I prepare to go back to College Station, Texas for Aggie Muster next month, I am recollecting on everything that has happened in year since I have left the Corps of Cadets.

“Not Another Aggie Blog” – A comparison of Texas A&M with the University of Texas. Of course I am biased, but I have always respected UT for the school that it is. I will present a different argument and prove why Texas A&M is the best school is the state of Texas.

“Danny’s DC Bucket List” – I’ve appreciated everyone’s suggestions on this. I am still compiling the final list (which I should hurry), but I will post it soon.

The main reason for this entry is to say thank you for everyone who keeps up with me, especially those of you who have read my entire blog. While that is crazy and maybe even a little bit creepy, I do appreciate it. Next blog should be up by the end of the week. Love you all, God Bless, and Gig ‘Em.